my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
