Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
