Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
