You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
