Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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