Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
