Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
