I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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