i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
