I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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