You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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