and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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