Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
