is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
