I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
