a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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