what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
