so that wasnt chicken after all
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
