Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
