Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
