and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
