The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
