When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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