You're completely useless in the revolution.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
