apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
