we made out on top of his cat.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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