Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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