Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
