So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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