So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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