Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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