I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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