true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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