shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Congratulations! We have a period
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