I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
