awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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