My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
