I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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