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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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