I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
