there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
