I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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