it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
