Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you had me at cake vodka
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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