Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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