More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
