finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
