eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
