Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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