I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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