i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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