areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
