Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
