I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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