We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
