I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
