moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
