captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
