Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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