you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
