One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
