Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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